Both Sides Now

 

I have spent three decades of my life as a High School Teacher, half of that as a school Principal. 

Countless students walk through the hallways of our school, most of them fade away once they graduate. Some stay in touch, and share how their lives unfold in college and beyond. Our lives intertwine when the phone beeps a message, “Hi Miss! I am in town, and I would love to meet you.”

Farokh graduated ten years ago, and went on to get a Master’s in Artificial Intelligence. He and I shared a special bond from our time at school together, since he used to be extremely accident prone. As a young child – he would come hurtling down the stairs and hurt his head – or find a way to injure a bone in his arm. I had to keep track of him to ensure that he left school in one whole piece every day!

Last month I met Farokh after almost two years. Each time we meet over cups of tea and chicken sandwiches, transcending our relationship as teacher- student, now reconnecting as two adults, sharing and caring so many aspects of our lives.

When we met last, Farokh told me he lives in Chicago and works at a cancer research institute.” That’s a bit different”, I thought, “after graduating with a degree in artificial intelligence”.

He explained that he is really excited about this job. “I love crunching numbers. And now I work with all these biologists who don’t know numbers at all. And I don’t know any biology. So, I have to keep learning, and I love what I do.” 

This time when we met, I had a lot more to share with him. My brush with cancer during the past year – the surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and subsequent medication. Farokh’s first response was, “I’m sorry to hear this! But, you look fantastic, I would never have guessed you went through all of this.”

I asked myself, do I even feel or know what I have actually been through? 

What I recalled of Joni Mitchell’s lyrics came tumbling into my mind:

I’ve looked at life

From both sides now

From up and down

And still somehow

Its life’s illusions I recall

I really don’t know 

Life at all

Once upon a time I listened to those words and sang along without really looking more closely. Today when I remember these same words, what speaks to me now is how things can change.  There are two sides to any experience. Nay – in fact there are multiple sides, and each one reveals a different perspective.

There have been so many sides for me, so many ups and downs during the past year, however, I would like to look up more than I look down. My experience feels like an illusion. Wow! Did I really go through all of that? When people look at me today, they may not be able to tell from my outward appearance. As Farokh said, “You look fantastic. You look the same” 

I look the same. Do I? 

Maybe to the outside world, I look the same. But inside there is another side to all that has happened. It has changed me forever. Can l ever be the same? 

Farokh is not the same either. The last time we met Farokh shared feeling gender neutral. “I have a box inside of me, where there is a gender, and I don’t yet know what it is.” 

“I simply love make up. Dressing up! I just love being me” 

Last month she said, she is now trans and identifies as a woman.

To get my head around this, my prosaic response was to ask, “Which pronouns do you now use?” 

“She”, was the unhesitant reply.

It is I who needs to get used to this now. Not shy away, not hesitate, not revert to the old way of saying he but the new acceptance of she, for she is a choice. Like she said to me, I too tell her – you look fantastic as who you are….

Neither of us can turn the clock back, we can only go forward.

Joni Mitchell spoke of clouds as ice cream castles in the air. Once upon a time, I too saw clouds as dreamy and beautiful wisps making patterns in the sky. Last year, on some days, the clouds blocked the sun in my life. However, I remind myself, that the sun never left the sky. It is just that I was not able to see it during some moments - the sky never really turned dark – the clouds were simply obstructing my view. 

And then the sky filled with so many song birds – my family and friends, and the universe which sent support from every part of space, virtually and physically, so that in the most vulnerable moments too, I was never alone for long.

Speaking to Farah, I said, “I feel moved that you shared your vulnerable side with me – like I shared mine with you. Look for song birds in your sky! Old friends may act strange, and say we have changed. Yes, we have, but it is for who we are becoming.”

I ask myself, are we, really vulnerable? No, for we have a choice. To relook at our life, and build anew. 

“So, Farah, we go ever forward, you and I. Our bodies made a choice, and we are both learning to work with our vulnerable choices so that we may continue to be who we are as we go along our journeys. Similar, yet apart, what we share is the essence of what makes us human.

I am so happy to have met you last month - you showed me, unlike Joni Mitchell we do know life after all!” Till we meet again…

_____________________________

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash