Start Stop Go

I love the limelight, but I shy away from social media. 

I write, because I think I have something to share, but the writings have simply floated in folders on my desktop. 

I hesitate to publish, for no reason; I think about it, but I have not taken the plunge, until this moment.

Why me, why now?

From the time I was little, the only beacon I had, was to do something so that I could change the world in my small way. I started by wanting to be a scientist and conduct research in biological sciences. However, the multitude of test tubes moving along a carriage in a cold room of -20 degrees Celsius all night, in order to collect a miniscule amount of protein for analysis, soon deterred me, for then I realised this was not contributing to any macro change in the world.

I had to teach in order to support myself in Graduate School, and I loved the interactions with the students in the classroom. It reminds me of what Sir Ken Robinson said, “When people are in their Element, they connect with something fundamental to their sense of identity, purpose, and well-being.”   Being a teacher gave me a purpose, helped shape my identity, and I spent thirty glorious years in classrooms, deconstructing different subjects as well as later administering a school. I was in my element!

One day, I left – not because I was unhappy, not because the school wanted me to leave; the only reason for the decision was that the restless being within me, wanted to explore other paths and look for a different meaning and purpose. Initially, the most familiar territory for me was the school environment, and I continued to engage with teachers, as being the group of adults I felt most comfortable with. 

One day something changed.

Maybe, I should say, it was a small 4 cm lump that changed the way I looked at the world!

Yes, an innocuous health check-up revealed that I had cancer, and before I could even blink, the treatment took over six months of my life. I went through it all – surgery, chemotherapy, radiation. Having a regular mindfulness practice, and being aware of myself helped me stay resilient, and I was able to weather each finite step of the treatment, with a start and a stop, and with immense support from the universe knew it, the treatment ended.

What the medical profession did not tell me was that the day it ends, life will not continue the way it was before the onslaught. 

I completed treatment just a day after Teachers’ Day, 5th September 2023, and I considered this quite symbolic, expecting to celebrate not just the day, but life. Instead, I was completely shattered by exhaustion, fatigue, depression, joint pain, rash, and worst of all, simply not knowing what was going on in my mind and body. I held together with meditation and kept as resilient as I could, however I was constantly overwhelmed with emotion. I could not speak about the past year without tears uncontrollably streaming down my face and the lump catching in my throat. I tried, but the words simply choked with the prospect of having to take a preventive drug which gave me all the side effects described above.

Until one day, in December, I discovered the power of storytelling!

It was a Saturday, when I signed up for a workshop in Mumbai.  

I realized then that I have told stories all my life, as an activist, a teacher and an administrator, I simply did not know that storytelling is a tool for healing. I started slowly, by telling some tales about the illness and soon realised I have much more to say. I am more than the last year of treatment, and now I truly feel empowered by writing, and feel ready to share…..

Why I Write

For so many years

I relied on spoken words

They said a lot,

But soon evaporated

And diffused like vapour

Into space.

When I wrote

It was literal not literary,

Worksheets or notes for students

Or reports,

Accounts of what happened,

Never what I felt.

I always wanted to write,

I was either too busy

Or not motivated

And the inner critic

Kept saying,

Who would ever want to read

What I was trying to write anyway?

One day,

the voice opened itself

to possibilities

I found immense joy

in putting pen to paper

Watching the colour of the ink

Spread words across the page

Soon those sentences

Became my emotions,

Once the emotions left my body

There was a sense of relief

And immense joy,

Ahhhhhh…….

So that’s why I write.

And here I am, wanting to share my experience, and listen to yours, so that together, by listening to our stories, and engaging with each other, we support each other to heal!